Guest Blogger - Meghan

Guest Blogger - Meghan 

{visit her blog at http://meghanloveskayden.blogspot.com}

I found out I was pregnant a week after my 17th birthday. My relationship with my boyfriend had been a little rocky a few months prior to me finding out. My whole world revolved around my boyfriend, Taylor. I believed with no shadow of a doubt that Taylor and I were meant to be together for the rest of our lives. I knew that we were young, but I thought if we could make it through High School we would be set. When we first started dating we were really good friends. I've known Taylor since Elementary school, and in the 9th grade we became friends. We got along better then anyone I knew. Our relationship turned serious very fast once we were officially dating. We started getting in to arguments, but I wanted us to work out so badly that I would look past the "little" things that bothered me.

When I found out I was pregnant the first thing I said was "my life is over." I look back now and wish I wouldn't have said that, but that's really how it felt. I cried for myself, I cried for my family, I cried for my new baby that I wasn't ready for. I was completly devistated and humiliated. I told Taylor a few hours after I found out. He didn't have a lot to say, which isn't how he was at all. I told my mom the same night I found out. She had mentioned Adoption, but I blew it off because that's what I knew she would say. I knew it was mine and Taylors decision to make. The next few weeks went by so fast that I can only remember the details by what I wrote in my journal. Taylor and I had a decision to make, and I honestly gave him so much say when it came down to it. I wanted to do what he wanted to do, because I trusted him with my life. One night we finally talked about it. This is the only time we REALLY talked about it. He was saying all the "Pro's" of Adoption and I shot back a "Con" to every single one. I wanted to run away with Taylor, and we could figure it out later...But he was going to be the one doing the running, while I stayed behind. Within a month of finding out I was pregnant, Taylor had moved to Idaho while his Dad was working up there.

I went to school and tried my best to turn the other cheek when others were judging me so harshly. I made a mistake that was going to show in my physical appearance. I couldn't brush this one under the rug. After Taylor left, everyone knew. I was completly miserable. I would cry in the bathroom when someone would stare at my stomach. I was honestly so humilated, and I was angry that I had to face that on my own. Communication with Taylor was cut shorter and shorter by the week. He came home on the weekends, but his parents weren't about to let us spend time together. Taylor's parents wanted me to place the baby for Adoption and leave Taylor out of it. I tried my best to keep it a secret, for my sake and for Taylors. But news like that spreads like a wildfire through the halls in High School. The only thing I could do was embrace it, which I never even fully did. I denied it when people asked me, only to make myself look like a liar because they had heard it from one of my family members. (I have a step-brother that was in the same grade and school as me.)

I didn't know what I was going to do. If Adoption was going to be the route I was going to take, my Heavenly Father had to place it in my hands. I wasn't going to look through profiles of perfect familys to see which one my baby could fit in to. It wasn't suppose to be like that, and I wasn't about to make it into that. I was on the computer when my mom sent me an Adoptive Couples blog address to look at. At this time like I said above, I wasn't going to look. I hadn't looked at any other profiles, any other blogs....but I looked. The first thing that appeared was a big picture of my 2 best friends. I hadn't met them before, but I knew them and I loved them instantly. Even typing that and I think it sounds crazy, but it's completly unexplainable. I sent them an email, and they quickly replied. It was nothing short of a miracle that I not only came across their blog, but sent them that email. Something about them got me, and I couldn't stay away after that.

We met and it was if we had never been strangers. We began a close friendship that I can never put in to words. I felt like they cared about ME, not just about the fact I was pregnant and considering placing my child with them. I know they genuinely cared about me, and still do. We quickly became family. We went bowling, dinner, movies, we just hungout. Regaurdless if I placed my baby with them or not, I knew we would forever be family. We have similarities that really are only there when you're family, it wasn't just a coincidence. I invited them to the gender ultrasound (it was a BOY!!:), even though I still wasn't sure if I would be placing. It went back and forth so much in my mind.

One night I met with my Bishop. We were talking about Taylor, who was now non-existant in my life. The bishop asked me what I thought the definition of love was, when it came to me like a ton of bricks...Love is unselfish. There isn't a better word to describe love then unselfish. My life changed because of that bishops appointment. From that night out I knew what Taylor and I had wasn't Love anymore, even if that's what it was at some points. From that night out, I knew that I needed to LOVE my baby UNSELFISHLY, and I did. I didn't love myself which made it so that I wanted someone to love ME. I felt if someone loved me, I could love myself. I used my unborn son as that person for a while. Once I realized the love I had for my son, I knew that placing him for Adoption would be the best thing for HIM. It hurt more than anything to come to that realization, and I still to this day have a hard time saying that. It hurts more then anything imaginable to know that you cannot care for your own child in the way he deserves. I created the circumstance which he was going to be born in to, and he would've been the one to suffer. I gave my son the best start to life that there is.

Taylor moved back in June, and my due date was September 5th. He sent me an email via Myspace. I got what I had wanted, or so I thought. Even though he had been dating someone else in Idaho while I was pregnant, I still wanted him and only him in my life. I found myself at times hoping he would stop the whole thing. I found myself praying that somehow we would do all this together. He wanted to see Kayden when he was born, and I wanted him to.

August 12th I went into labor and 9 hours later I delivered a beautiful baby boy. We spent 2 days together in the hospital. I signed the relinquishment papers on August 14th before I was discharged from the hospital. I can't describe the feelings I felt those 2 days, because they are so beyond this world. I will forever cherish that time that I had with my little boy. I was his Mom and he was my son. Relinquishing my rights was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I truely believe it is the hardest thing I will ever have to do. If I was placing my baby because I wanted a better, easier life, I never would have done it. It wasn't better, it hasn't been easier. I can't remember the first few weeks after placement. I did a lot of crying, a lot of begging and pleading with my Heavenly Father.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about how different my life would have been if I would've chosen to parent. I know that I did the right thing by placing Kayden with Josh and Mandy. I have never regretted my decision, I regret putting myself in the position where I had to make such a big decision. My life is not the same, and never will be the same. I will always miss Kayden, but I know he's not far away. I have a very open adoption and recieve pictures, videos, and updates constantly...

There are still hard days and I plan on there being many more. I know that Kayden is safe, healthy, happy and most importantly loved beyond imagination.